Healing
When I was a few months old, my parents separated and eventually divorced. I didn’t have any memories of my biological father. For me, family was my mother, my two older brothers, and I. Deep down however, I desired a father figure. I observed how children would interact with their dads and wondered what it would be like to have one. At the same time, I started to believe that I didn’t need a father. I started to believe that I didn’t need anyone. That mindset was reinforced at six years old when my brothers decided to live with my biological father. Their decision devastated me. Was I so insignificant, so unlovable that they had to abandon me?
I believed that I couldn’t trust or depend on anyone. By letting people get close, it allowed them to hurt me. To protect myself from the pain, I started to close myself off. My mother worked two jobs to put a roof over my head and food on the table. I longed to receive words of affirmation from her, to hear that she was proud of me or approved of what I was doing. But she couldn’t give me the emotional support that I needed.
Because of this, I became very competitive. I believed that I needed to excel and make something of my life to make her proud. Moreover, I felt that I needed to prove that my life mattered. Since my family fell apart after I was born, I believed that I was a curse to them, unplanned and unwanted. Perhaps God made a mistake when He created me. I was angry for always getting the shorter end of the stick. I was angry that people didn’t love me enough to stay in my life. I was angry at how unfair God seemed to be.
At 15, my friend invited me to church and I agreed to go, even though I had stopped going to church since the start of secondary school. I believed that my relationship with God was conditional. If I did good things, then God would bless me. But I had not been a “good Christian.” I had stolen and lied and did all sorts of bad things. I didn’t believe that God would take me back. But on that day, I stepped forward for the altar call. I was angry at my circumstances, and I finally reached a point where I was tired of being angry. In spite of my small faith, I was ready to give God another chance. If pleasing Him and getting His forgiveness meant forgiving others, then I would try to obey. God, teach me to forgive, I prayed, I don’t want to be angry anymore.
In that moment of surrender, God started to do a deep work. I saw God reaching into my heart and pulling out a rock. Immediately, there was a lightness and joy that I had never felt before. In that moment of divine exchange, I experienced the power and grace of God. Despite everything I had done, God’s love still reached out to me. Despite walking away from Him so many times, God still pursued me and supernaturally healed my heart. He had given me a chance to experience freedom and a new life. Though my circumstances did not change, I was no longer weighed down by my hurt and pain. With my new freedom, I had finally found the strength and grace needed to forgive my biological father right there and then.
God’s timing was perfect. In that same year, my second brother suggested a meeting with my biological father. I was ready to move forward. I earnestly wanted to know who he was. When I got to the restaurant, he presented me with a bouquet. After ordering food and drinks we sat in silence until he broke the ice, apologizing for what he had done. Though he acknowledged that the apology didn’t change what happened, he still wanted the chance to be my father, if I would give it to him. We continued to meet every month to get to know one another.
However, despite godly influences and divine encounters, I still struggled with yo-yo faith for many years. I depended on the faith of my friends to keep me going. If they went to church, I would go to church. But if they didn’t, then I wouldn’t bother. That continued all the way into university when I went overseas for an internship with a Christian organization. One day, I was compelled to read Philippians 3:7-12. I was particularly struck by verse 10. “I want to know Christ – yes, to know the power of His resurrection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death.”
I knew I had not experienced the power of Jesus’ resurrection – a power that could bring life to something once dead. Every accolade I achieved had left me empty and unsatisfied. It was then that God revealed that true satisfaction could only be found in Him and Him alone. For many years, I had been selective about the things I was willing to surrender to God. At that moment, He challenged me to let go of everything so that I could be fully aligned to Him. Once I was back in Singapore, I started attending Trinity. I had seen how much my brothers matured in church and I wanted to experience that same growth. I also started attending carecell, went to classes, and engaged in spiritual disciplines.
Today, I’m living a life I never thought was possible. I work at a Christian non-profit organization, am married to a wonderful man, and have a bubbly one-year-old girl. Our family is getting ready for expansion as we will be welcoming a baby boy in September. As God worked in each of my family member’s lives, He made it possible for us to be reconciled. Recently, I came back from holidays with my mother and brothers. I also make it a point to meet my biological father for dinner and to celebrate milestones. Indeed, God is a God of our entire household. Truly, it is through Him that I have all that I need to continue living a joy-filled and purpose-driven life.